Goodbye, Dad

I remember the day Curtis came home—early last year—with an ashen face. He told me he got some bad news. I thought he was going to say he lost his job. He only started a month before. But what he said was something that would never have crossed my mind. "My dad has cancer." That was a hard night. But we would carry that grief and uncertainty with us over the next year and a half.

Marty was in and out of the hospital, for what seemed like weeks at a time, for the rest of his life. One time his body reacted negatively to chemotherapy. That cost him almost a month. Then he had an invasive esophagectomy. Another few weeks. Blood count loss and dehydration cost him days and weeks, more than once. I think it goes without saying: Cancer is the worst.

After moving back from Germany, Curtis and I made it a priority to visit Boise as often as we could. That turned out to be almost every month this year. A few weeks ago, Tyler called Curtis and said, "I don't know if anyone is keeping you in the loop, but it's not looking good." We decided to come right away. We drove the seven hours on a Friday morning to spend General Conference weekend with the family.

Marty was actually feeling pretty good. He even threw out the idea of going out to milk cows that afternoon. That was a good sign. Milking a cow is one of the first items on my bucket list. Marty has always wanted to take me. In fact, he told me that one of the thoughts that kept him going through some of his weakest moments was that he still needed to teach me to milk a cow. We never got to.

After the Saturday morning session, we took a walk to the Village across the way and decided to have lunch out. We got fish tacos. He got to see his grandson show everyone how to ride a real bike. One without pedals. It couldn't have been a more beautiful day. Sunday was just as lovely. We drove home that afternoon with the irking feeling that we were saying goodbye for the last time.

Curtis went back to work, and I went to the dentist. But before the work day was even over, we got another call. We left that night and drove until four o'clock in the morning. Marty was losing blood quickly, and the nurse said it was just a matter of days. She was right.

On Thursday afternoon, about three o'clock, Eva Lu came downstairs to tell us all that it was time. We all, Eva Lu, the four children, and two children-in-law, gathered around the bed. Curtis, with his brother Tyler, laid their hands on their father's head while Curtis offered a blessing. As his dad was struggling for air, Curtis spoke the words that let his soul feel at peace. "He will watch over your children just as you have watched over His." We all felt that sacred moment when Marty took his last breath and was received by heaven.

The next few days left no time to rest for those of us left behind! We were all busy making preparations for a musical tribute on Sunday night, the viewing on Monday night, and the funeral on Tuesday morning. Although dozens of decisions needed to be made, the final result was a wonderful celebration of who Marty was—not just to us, his family—but to hundreds of people near and far.

So many beautiful things were said of Marty, our dad, but the thought that stuck out to me was said by Joe Quatrone:

"His hands were well lived. It wasn’t just all the wallpapering . . . plastering . . . home repair . . . pizza oven building . . . leatherwork, woodwork, boondoggle, and Eagle Scout projects. His hands defined him. The holding of . . . the lending of . . . the giving of . . . the sharing of."

The last few days Marty was with us, I didn't feel like I really deserved to be up in his room spending a lot of time with him. I wasn't his child or an old friend. I don't believe that I changed his life or that I was on his mind too terribly much. But when I did come up there, he gave me his hand. And he held mine. And he told me, "Don't ever feel like I don't love you . . . because I love you so much." With those last words to me, he gave me so much more than his hand. And I'll always love him for it.

Ape Cave

It happens to the best of us. We get stuck in the rut of everyday life and we forget to do stuff. So Curtis and I decided it was time to get out and try something new. We heard about the Mt. St. Helens Ape Cave a week ago and thought we should go explore. It turned out to be a perfect activity for a hot summer day! The cave, discovered in the 1950s, is the longest lava tube in the continental US. The temperature was a cool 40 degrees and the lighting came only from our flashlights.

Near the entrance of the cave, Sebastian was understandably "a little bit nervous." We told him that it's OK to be nervous and that we should look at the cave closer so we could see what it was.

He had a good time touching the wet walls and dripping stalactites; he even let it slip that he had "a little bit of fun . . . I mean nervous."

Livia had a great time walking through all by herself. At first, she kept falling down because she's used to walking on flat sidewalks or soft carpet. She learned quickly to look where she was stepping, and she turned into a natural spelunker. At the very end of the cave, the tunnel tapered smaller and smaller . . . and Livia kept on exploring! I had to stop her before I couldn't fit any more!

We haven't stopped talking about the cave in our house and we can't wait for our next adventure.

Livia Is One

It came and went so quickly, that first year. Livia, my sweet baby love, has been walking for two months, speaking sweet words, and trying desperately to climb on what I will allow.

A few fun facts . . .

• Livia applied for her first passport before she was 1 month old.
• Livia has lived in 4 different places and traveled through 13 different states (in order OR, WA, NC, VA, DC, TN, KY, IL, MO, SC, ID, UT, and TX). She has flown 5 times and visited the capitols of three different countries. 
• Livia got her first tooth the weekend after we visited Paris.
• Livia has eaten sand from beaches on both sides of the United States.
• Livia takes after her dad's ears, fair skin, and blonde hair. And she LOVES her dad.
• Livia did not sleep in a crib until she was 11 months old.
• Livia weighs 19 pounds and a few ounces.
• Livia currently has 8 teeth. And she's very good at chewing her food.
• Livia's first word was her own name.
• Livia doesn't really have a favorite food. But she will always eats rocks (or dirt or leaves or wood or other non-food items).
• Livia can say "Livia (Wia)," "all done," "thank you," "diaper," "let go," and "shake it off."
• Livia knows how to relax every muscle in her body. When she sleep, eats, or just cuddles, she turns into what I call "Limp Noodle."
• Livia taught herself to blow bubbles. She does it every time she is in the bath. She can't help it.
• Livia started walking on her 10 month birthday in the living while Sebastian was taking his evening bath.
• Livia loves going down the slide. She just walks off the platform like she's walking the plank.

For Livia's birthday, we traveled to Boise to visit Grandma and Grandpa Hale. Grandpa is still in the hospital due to chemo complications, so we made our first stop to his room.

Since the rest of the family was busy on Livia's actual birthday (Grandma and Grandpa were in the hospital, and Dad was mountain biking with Wesley), Livia, Sebastian, and I decided to explore one of our favorite parks by ourselves. Kleiner Park is just a few years old and features lots of green space and a well-designed playground, but when we arrived, we realized we forgot about the splash pad! What a fun surprise! We ran around in the water, played on the giant spider web, and rolled down the hill for hours. Livia especially had fun, which made me so happy. I only wish that more people could have enjoyed her special day with us.

Saturday we had a birthday lunch in honor of our sweet girl. Great Grandma Dalley (or Other Grandma, as Sebastian calls her), hosted and made creamy macaroni and cheese for our special meal. I baked a gorgeous cake that is almost as beautiful as Livia: strawberry summer cake. Livia doesn't eat a lot of real food, but she does eat sticks and rocks and dirt and trash as soon as she lays her eyes on them. The cake looked and smelled amazing, and since Livia is actually eating it, it must have tasted delicious as well. 

Grandma got Livia a lovely dress from Hawaii and a sweet puppy that Livia actually carries and hugs. It turns out that Livia's next new word is puppy ([ˈpʰʌ p̬iː]), so we know she loves it.

Before we left to drive home, we made another stop at the hospital. It was a tender time for Livia to spend more time with her Grandpa, and we could tell by the look in her eyes.

Livia, I hope you know how much I love you! I know you don't always get the attention you deserve, but that's the way things go when you're second in line. But don't worry too much; I know how it feels! You are the sweet, sweet reprieve at the end of my days—especially my hard ones. I'll hold you in my arms, and your legs will dangle as you just melt into me, and just a few moments of that is more fulfilling than a whole hour at the spa. I'm serious! The way you smile when you close your teeth and squint your eyes (like this) just gets me every time.

I have love-love-loved watching you learn and focus and dream and achieve in this very short year, and I am looking forward to everything else you surprise me with this next year.

The Real Five-year Anniversary

Since Curtis was out of town the week before and the week after our anniversary, our celebration waited a few weeks. And what a perfect weekend we waited for! An anniversary and Mother's Day falling on the same weekend makes for a very pampered wife and mom.

On Saturday, Curtis planned a perfect day for us. We drove just ten or fifteen minutes to the town next to ours to find a hike. Curtis found a lovely and kid-friendly trail that lead to a waterfall. The trail itself was gorgeous. We walked along the river, surrounded by lush green ferns and tall, tall, tall trees covered with moss. The sunlight streamed through the treetops, which were hundreds of feet above us. The dirt trail was not too steep that Sebastian couldn't ride his bicycle, so he pushed himself alongside us as we walked hand in hand. Another perfect moment. We heard falling water and caught glimpses of a bridge through the leaves. We crossed the bridge and found our way under it, leading to some rocks overlooking the falls. As I watched Curtis wear Livia and hold Sebastian's hand on top of that rock, I thought about what a great man I married. Two weeks late doesn't mean I can't reflect on what a great relationship we've developed over the last five-plus years. He's a near-perfect man, an adventurous dad, and a wonderful companion.

As we made our way back to the car, Sebastian started feeling adventurous enough to pick up his feet down some of the hills. It's a good thing we both forgot our cameras because I think our moms would die to watch Sebastian experience "downhill mountain biking" for the first time. At first, he skidded his feet the whole way down some of the slopes, but then he attempted to place his feet on the footrest of his bike. What an exhilarating run for Sebastian and view for Mom! And what would a mountain biking experience be without a big fall. He cried for a bit, but was back up and coasting down the next hill in no time.

Sunday we went to church, which I love on Mother's Day because there are always treats. A candy bar and giant cookies this year. Score! Sebastian, Livia, and I went outside to look for snails so Curtis could cook us a delicious meal in peace.

Mmm! I could smell the butter and garlic from outside. We had a lovely meal of salad and broiled lobster tail with a very unhealthy-but-oh-so-delicious butter sauce. I'm so spoiled!

On Monday, we stopped by the Portland Oregon Temple before we dropped Curtis off at the airport. Even though he would be gone for the next week, we were lucky to get to reflect on the reason our marriage is even possible. In the Visitor's Center, we sat at the feet of Jesus Christ, and showed Sebastian the marks in His hands and feet. He touched Jesus' feet, then looked at his own. It was a sweet moment.

We took some much-needed time to celebrate us and our life together, but if I am honest, a day rarely goes by that I don't think of how blessed my life is by my sweet husband. We are both not without our faults, but at the end of the day, we are each the best thing for the other. Curtis elevates me in ways I didn't realize a person could. He treats me with kindness and compassion that I don't think I deserve; yet, he makes me feel like I am such a deserving woman. He kisses me the moment he comes home from work and holds my hand while he's driving. In fact, he always drives. He changes diapers all weekend so I can have a day off. He speaks to me softly. He somehow knows how to answer all my tricky do-you-think-I-look-fat?-type questions perfectly. He thinks I'm the hottest woman alive. He understands my past and accepts who I am trying to be. He encourages me to do anything I want to do. He lets me relax when I need it but pushes me to work when I need that too. He is just the best. And I feel so lucky to know that five years is still only the beginning.

Love Is In the Air

As Valentine's Day rolls around this year, I challenged myself to make the perfect cheese fondue and list the most irresistible things about my babies.

I love the way Sebastian runs on his tippy toes. He has been doing this ever since he first started walking. Sometimes he'll wag his head from side to side as he shuffles his feel, and his sweet grin just makes me chuckle every time.

Livia has the sweetest fingers. Maybe it's because they are tiny. But when she's eating or looking at something intently, she points her finger as straight as she can. I always wonder what she's discovering.

The first time Sebastian walked around on snow and ice this year, he was cautious but excited. He, as usual, had cars in his hands. Although I thought it was pretty cute how he would try to step on the ice, it was when he fell down flat on his back that I couldn't handle. He lay there for a second or two, then rolled over and immediately started rolling his car on the ice. Falling never phases this boy.

Livia is generally a life-loving gal, but when Sebastian goes to sleep, she knows. It's her absolute favorite time of day. She is awake and smiling and wiggling and kicking around so much that Curtis and I can't help but give her all our attention. That's probably the reason she loves it so much.

Sebastian's language skills are sky-rocketing these days. He's picking up on words that we don't even try to teach him. He's still getting used to pronouns, however, and I take it as a great sign of learning when he mixes them up. His favorites these days are "hold you" when he wants to be held and "sit me" when he also wants to be held.

I never thought I would love any other babies legs more than I loved Sebastian's until I saw Livia's. Her chunky little legs just kill me every time I look at them! When we stretch on the floor, sometimes she'll straighten them out as much as she can, and every little roll squeezes together. Delicious! My favorite, though, has to be when she froggy kicks her legs. She does it when she's excited—or randomly—and I love it every time.

Christmas in Boise

After a long set of months being far away from family, we were excited to get to spend two whole weeks in Boise with Curtis's family.

Heather's Homecoming
A few days after we arrived, we learned that Heather was going to be coming home from her mission just in time for Christmas. An early Christmas miracle for everyone! We gathered at the Boise Airport with family and friends to see Heather walk off the plane.

Launching Rockets
Wesley is one of Sebastian's coolest uncles. He built his own rocket launcher out of PVC pipe and a bike pump. Sebastian loved watching Wesley launch rockets in the freezing weather and running after the rockets to do it again and again.

Christmas Morning
This year marks one of the first years that Sebastian really understood what "Christmas morning" really means. He was still confused at first about what to do with the wrapped boxes, but he quickly caught on.

Skiing
The (big) boys took a day together to go skiing at Bogus Basin. They are all horrible at remembering to take pictures, but I hear it was a crash-filled day. Curtis at least has a black toenail now to prove they did something extreme.

Caroling
The Hale family tradition of caroling is one of the highlights of the year. We sang "Jingle Bells" and "Silent Night" for a few family friends. Many people claim it makes their Christmas. It sure makes ours.

Bowling
One of the highlights was going bowling as a family. Sebastian bowled for the first time, and did pretty well! He loved watching the ball roll all the way down the lane, and he even got a spare!

Family Pictures
We took family pictures at the Boise Capitol building. It was perfect because the family was complete with Heather. It was also a perfect occasion for Livia's first shopping spree. She was quite pleased.

Family Games
What is a Hale holiday without a few rounds of Spaced Out? As usual, I dominated—with a baby in my arms, I might add.

New Year's Eve
It turns out that New Year's Eve is a terrible holiday when you have two babies that go to sleep at eight o'clock. We thought about attending a few different parties, but got distracted by Netflix. I think we tried kissing at midnight, but we could have missed that too. Oops.

Thanksgiving in Ulm

We made sure to get on an early train on our way to Ulm so that we could spend as much time with our newly acquainted family members for a weekend of thanksgiving. We consider ourselves pretty lucky to even have family, albeit distant, on the other side of the world.

Lorraine, our second cousin, hosted Thanksgiving dinner for the first time at her home. She roasted her first turkey, feeding her family, her mom and dad, our family, two other families, and two sets of missionaries. We had hot rolls, delicious Lionhouse honey butter, Chinese salad, roasted butternut squash, mashed potatoes, cranberries, and stuffing. I almost forgot the pumpkin pie! It was a wonderful feast, but even more wonderful because we were with great people. We will ever be grateful to Lorraine and her husband, Hao, for welcoming us into their home!

After we ate, we gathered around the piano and went around the circle naming things we were grateful for. We couldn't name something that had already been named by someone else, and even with twenty people, we still went around the circle four times! We must be a blessed crowd. Lorraine then sat at the piano, and we sang our first Christmas carols of the year. Singing carols around the piano is one thing that Curtis and I did our first Thanksgiving together, so it was a lovely tradition to continue.

Curtis and I have had a year full of blessings and are the happiest we've been so far as a couple. We are grateful for so much, but here is a short list of our most cherished blessings.

Each other. I don't know how I knew it, but I knew from the very first moment I laid eyes on Curtis that he would make my life better. He sure knows how to elevate my hopes and dreams. And I know he thinks the same thing about me. He doesn't remember saying this, but I'll never forget how his voice sounded when he told me, "You are my highest goal, my loftiest aspiration." And he doesn't have to remember saying it because he treats me as such every day.

Sebastian. I could go on and on about how much I love Sebastian. And I have. He's just a ball of fun, a whirlwind of trouble, a bundle of kisses, and a batch of cuteness all rolled into one perfect, energetic boy.

Livia. We counted ourselves lucky to have as easy a baby as Sebastian. Everyone warned us about Number Two. But sweet little Livia has surpassed Sebastian in ease and sweetness. She's so chunky and squishy and sleepy and wonderful and simply angelic.

Our family. The other night we were walking to the train station after dinner. Curtis was pushing Livia in the stroller and Sebastian and I were walking in front of them. It was dark and cold, but the stars were shining. Sebastian would run every few steps, bouncing in his gigantic coat and giggling as I tried to keep up. I looked back at Curtis and thought, this is a perfect moment. We were simply going to the grocery store, but I had never felt so full of life as I did in this moment. I love our family.

Our extended family. It's hard to think that my parents and Curtis's parents are now considered our "extended" family. But we can't imagine life without them. They are the ones we still come to when we want to express concern, frustration, hope, or delight. We are always looking forward to the next time we see them. And it's always a blast when we do.

Jesus Christ. This list would not be complete without mentioning all of the hope, love, relief, peace, and joy that comes from our Savior, Jesus Christ. He has elevated our lives because of His sacrifice, and we owe our desire to be better people to His example. We're excited that His spirit is the cause for celebration for the rest of the season. All of the joy that comes from the things we do and the people we see stems from the joy we feel from Him.

We are also grateful for Curtis's job, technology, Germany, Excel, music, health, bodies, talents, future plans, warm water, warm hats, warm blankets, knowledge, home-cooked food, fresh fruit, nature, play, cloth diapers, sunlight, chocolate, Mother Earth, friends, speech, language, books, hygiene, pizza, color, transportation, and salt.

Our Thanksgiving in Ulm will be a Thanksgiving to remember because we have experienced that no matter where we are in life, we have plenty to be thankful for.

On Top of the World

Before we arrived in Germany, Curtis's mom informed us that her cousin Karma lived not too far from Stuttgart. We got in contact with her and she was super helpful in getting a bed for Sebastian while we were here. She came to visit us on our second night in Germany and invited us to visit her in Ulm.

I had never heard of Ulm, but we knew we wanted to visit Karma at least a couple of times. We decided that this last weekend would be perfect. We had finally recovered (emotionally, at least) from the lost wallet and were willing to travel once again.

Regional trains within the state of Baden-Württemberg are very inexpensive, so we knew we were starting our trip on the right foot. We left our house at 9:30 in the morning, and due to another train strike, didn't arrive in Ulm until about 1 o'clock. Karma picked us up at the train station and we drove just a short drive to her daughter's house.

We had a lovely Chinese salad and fried rice for lunch and chatted as if we had known each other for years. Karma told us stories about Curtis's grandma and grandpa—how they first met and what Karma thought of him for the first time.

Then Lorraine, Karma's daughter, and her husband, Hao, showed us around the city center in Ulm.

Ulm sits at the crossroads of the Baden-Württemberg state boundary and the Danube River and is known for being the birthplace of Albert Einstein. Ulm is also known for having the church with the tallest steeple in the world. And Curtis and I climbed to the very, very top.

The Ulmer Münster, or Ulm Minster, is a Gothic-style church that was begun in the 14th century and completed in 1890. It stands 530 feet tall and houses 768 well-worn stone steps to the very top. Of course, the intricate details on the interior of the church are as impressive as the details on the exterior—and just as impressive as, if not more than, the Notre-Dame Cathedral in Paris. I wasn't around in 1377, but I imagine the tools and construction equipment in that day were a bit more primitive than what we use today.

To build a sturdy ceiling as tall as this is remarkable on its own. But add vibrant stained glass, colossal organ pipes, intricate stone-carved gargoyles (hoisted to 500 feet in the air)—I am completely in awe.

Since Sebastian and Livia were sound asleep, Lorraine and Hao felt confident—and kind—enough to allow us to climb to the top by ourselves. We weren't able to climb Notre-Dame together, so we were just beside ourselves at the opportunity to see the Danube from the tip of the spire.

We began our ascent up the steep, spiral staircase, excited and taking in each view—both inside and outside the cathedral. We tried to imagine the monks who, over hundreds of years, wore down the stone in each step.

We finally made it to a platform with views of Münsterplatz and close-ups of stone gargoyles. We were already dizzy and sweating, but we looked up and realized we were only one-third of the way to the top!

I started feeling incredibly uncomfortable going up the second tier of stairs. The stairwell is extremely tight—room for only one person to go up at a time. It's very steep, claustrophobic, and dark. And on an overcast day, the open windows (which were open) didn't contribute much light. My knees started to shake and I may have started hyperventilating a bit. Step by step, we made it to . . . 

. . . the next tier . . . ! We weren't even at the top yet! We still had to climb that ultra-narrow staircase in the middle of the spire. But not before we got a panicked phone call from down below. Apparently, Sebastian woke up a while ago, and we missed a few desperate calls while we were on our way up. Both babies were in more of a panic than I was. But we were so close!

We snapped a few pictures beneath the gorgeous spire and made the final climb up to the "Third Gallery." Oh, my shaky hands, my unsteady legs, my weak spirit! We were so high.

We quickly took a selfie and Curtis decided to run down to rescue Sebastian and Livia. If climbing up the stairs made me nervous—with Curtis right behind my back—I was nearly sent into a panic attack trying to climb down all by myself. Nothing to hold onto except those gaping windows.

It took me a full fifteen minutes longer to tremble down the stairs than it did Curtis. I am not ashamed.

We strolled around the old and new parts of the city for the rest of the time we had until we had to catch our train back. Fun fact: It took about the same amount of time to travel to Ulm as it does to get to church every week. 

Other than enjoying the feel of another historic and traditional German town, we loved being with some family. Although we had never met and are we aren't very closely related, we felt so comfortable with Karma and her family. It made us realize how lonely we actually are and how thirsty we are for friendship and good company. We've decided to return to Ulm next month for Thanksgiving break—not because we want to climb the Münster again, but because we want to feel that connection, even on the other side of the world.