Because of Him

Easter has always been a holiday that weighs heavily on my heart. The fresh newness of spring is easy to breathe in, but when I think of Him, it suddenly becomes hard to swallow. It's difficult to articulate how I feel about my Savior Jesus Christ. It's a deep, vulnerable feeling that my understanding of words like "love" and "gratitude" barely scratch the surface of. I like to think that I understand what He did, but I don't. When I stop to think about what my Savior really does for me, an awareness washes over me. It's everything. Everything I love, everything I have, and everything I want I owe to Him. Because of Him, I'm free. I'm happy. Because of Him, I have come to know a more whole version of myself. Because of Him, I can keep everything I hold sacred and dear. These gifts are overwhelming and beautiful and so joyful. It's really just not fair. But it's real. 

No Room

Of all the exciting things we have seen this year, Sebastian has loved riding the trains in Germany most of all. We usually ride the S-Bahn, or the street trains, on a regular day. We'll sit at the train stop and face the direction the train is supposed to come. When he first spots the red engine gliding our way, he is excited every time. We roll into the car with extra room for bikes and strollers and look out the window for cows, water, or wind turbines. But on our way to Berlin, we got to ride the ICE, or the fast train. Since our connection was a few minutes late, we were worried we wouldn't make it to the ICE in time! We barely hoisted the stroller and our suitcase into the car before the door started closing and the train took off.

While we normally like to find the car with extra room, we didn't have time to walk up and down the train to look for it. And I'm not even sure there was a car like on this train. With a stroller and a suitcase, there was no room for us to sit. So we sat in the doorway next to the trash and bathrooms. 

In the car in front of us, a few single riders placed their bags in the seat next to them to prevent a stranger from sitting next to them. In the car behind us, a large group of men partied with beers in hand. Sebastian honestly couldn't tell the difference between where everyone else was sitting and where we were. He drove his toy car along the walls and jumped in the small space between the doors to the seats and the doors to the bathrooms. It was loud, so it masked his cheerful toddler noises that might have annoyed the seated passengers.

With Livia in my arms, I sat directly across from the bathrooms and watched passenger after passenger open the door while the toilet was flushing. I would periodically move to the side so that others could throw their coffee cups away. No one asked whether I'd like to sit in a seat. No one gave up their place for the tired woman with a baby.

But then I thought of Mary . . . when there was no room for her.

And tears filled my eyes. And peace filled my heart. And suddenly the train went quiet. 

Thanksgiving in Ulm

We made sure to get on an early train on our way to Ulm so that we could spend as much time with our newly acquainted family members for a weekend of thanksgiving. We consider ourselves pretty lucky to even have family, albeit distant, on the other side of the world.

Lorraine, our second cousin, hosted Thanksgiving dinner for the first time at her home. She roasted her first turkey, feeding her family, her mom and dad, our family, two other families, and two sets of missionaries. We had hot rolls, delicious Lionhouse honey butter, Chinese salad, roasted butternut squash, mashed potatoes, cranberries, and stuffing. I almost forgot the pumpkin pie! It was a wonderful feast, but even more wonderful because we were with great people. We will ever be grateful to Lorraine and her husband, Hao, for welcoming us into their home!

After we ate, we gathered around the piano and went around the circle naming things we were grateful for. We couldn't name something that had already been named by someone else, and even with twenty people, we still went around the circle four times! We must be a blessed crowd. Lorraine then sat at the piano, and we sang our first Christmas carols of the year. Singing carols around the piano is one thing that Curtis and I did our first Thanksgiving together, so it was a lovely tradition to continue.

Curtis and I have had a year full of blessings and are the happiest we've been so far as a couple. We are grateful for so much, but here is a short list of our most cherished blessings.

Each other. I don't know how I knew it, but I knew from the very first moment I laid eyes on Curtis that he would make my life better. He sure knows how to elevate my hopes and dreams. And I know he thinks the same thing about me. He doesn't remember saying this, but I'll never forget how his voice sounded when he told me, "You are my highest goal, my loftiest aspiration." And he doesn't have to remember saying it because he treats me as such every day.

Sebastian. I could go on and on about how much I love Sebastian. And I have. He's just a ball of fun, a whirlwind of trouble, a bundle of kisses, and a batch of cuteness all rolled into one perfect, energetic boy.

Livia. We counted ourselves lucky to have as easy a baby as Sebastian. Everyone warned us about Number Two. But sweet little Livia has surpassed Sebastian in ease and sweetness. She's so chunky and squishy and sleepy and wonderful and simply angelic.

Our family. The other night we were walking to the train station after dinner. Curtis was pushing Livia in the stroller and Sebastian and I were walking in front of them. It was dark and cold, but the stars were shining. Sebastian would run every few steps, bouncing in his gigantic coat and giggling as I tried to keep up. I looked back at Curtis and thought, this is a perfect moment. We were simply going to the grocery store, but I had never felt so full of life as I did in this moment. I love our family.

Our extended family. It's hard to think that my parents and Curtis's parents are now considered our "extended" family. But we can't imagine life without them. They are the ones we still come to when we want to express concern, frustration, hope, or delight. We are always looking forward to the next time we see them. And it's always a blast when we do.

Jesus Christ. This list would not be complete without mentioning all of the hope, love, relief, peace, and joy that comes from our Savior, Jesus Christ. He has elevated our lives because of His sacrifice, and we owe our desire to be better people to His example. We're excited that His spirit is the cause for celebration for the rest of the season. All of the joy that comes from the things we do and the people we see stems from the joy we feel from Him.

We are also grateful for Curtis's job, technology, Germany, Excel, music, health, bodies, talents, future plans, warm water, warm hats, warm blankets, knowledge, home-cooked food, fresh fruit, nature, play, cloth diapers, sunlight, chocolate, Mother Earth, friends, speech, language, books, hygiene, pizza, color, transportation, and salt.

Our Thanksgiving in Ulm will be a Thanksgiving to remember because we have experienced that no matter where we are in life, we have plenty to be thankful for.

Myrtle Beach

In the book October Sky, Elsie Hickam dreams of living along the carefree sands of Myrtle Beach. Ever since Curtis read that book, he's dreamed of going to Myrtle Beach too. Now that we are living just four short hours away from this coastal city, we had to make a trip! Curtis took Friday off and we began driving that morning. We arrived at the hotel around noon, and since Sebastian had no interest in taking a nap that day, walked over to the beach for an afternoon in the blazing sun. 

The water was warm and salty; the sand was hot and coarse. Curtis and Sebastian splashed in the waves while Livia and I took refuge in the shade of our stroller. I never went to the beach with my family growing up. I think the closest we got to a day building sand castles was on the shores of Lake Erie. But as I sat on the sand, watching my boys gaze in wonder for miles and miles of deep, surging water, I can understand the peace we feel in the luxury of the beach. And what a luxury. The water, the sand, the earth—all created for us by our Father.

That night, we took a walk out to Broadway at the Beach, a lake lined with shops, restaurants, and attractions. Curtis and I were out for the exercise and people watching. We tried looking for a spot for dessert, but since we are frugal (not cheap), we decided we would enjoy a less-expensive pint of ice cream from the local Piggly Wiggly just as well as, if not more than, the three tablespoons of Ben and Jerry's we were eyeing. And we found this gem. Blue Bell is the taste of my vanilla, the taste of my childhood. And we ended our day on a high note . . .

. . . only to wake up to thunder! (Apropos of the title of our blog, but not to our dreams of the beach!) We began frantically Googling "rainy day in Myrtle Beach" and nearly dropped $40 to go to the aquarium (which looks really cool), when we looked outside and saw a dry sky.

It wasn't sunny, but we weren't complaining! We came to the beach to play on the beach! And play we did . . .

Sebastian and Dad

Sebastian and Mom

We are a Chaco-loving family.

Leopard-print toes are ready for some sand.

Sebastian and Bucket

Livia and Cleanliness

Hale family and the Beach

We walked around in the afternoon to give Sebastian and Livia a chance to nap. We found a lovely, inexpensive fish market to grab a bite to eat. After ordering crab cakes (They were out.) and hushpuppies (They were out?!!), we were pretty bummed . . . Until we got our fish and shrimp! It was freshly prepared with the perfect blend of crisp and zest. I told the local one-man show that they could be out of fish and we would still come back. We give him our stamp of approval.

We then drove a few miles north to a place called Barefoot Landing. We read online that you can come here and see tigers for free. Since Sebastian loves all things cat, we had to give it a go. We were expecting to find a savannah of wild animals and photo ops, but found a small empty cage and some employees sweeping the floor. It turns out the safari is located south of Myrtle Beach and costs at least $280! Um, we ain't got that kinda cash. But we are glad we stuck around. They do bring the tigers up to the TIGERS Preservation Station for a few hours each day to raise awareness for their cause, and we were just a few minutes early. When they brought the tigers and monkey out, Sebastian lost all control. This chimpanzee, let me tell you, was climbing and jumping around—just like you would expect a monkey to act—but for some reason, he almost didn't look real! He would beat on the glass and taunt the baby tigers behind it. Sebastian would just yell and shout, "Ooo ooo ahh ahh!" Boy knows what's going on. We went around to another enclosed area, where they featured three beautiful fully grown tigers. Sebastian just ran up and down the glass to get a good look at them. The spectators were almost as absorbed in Sebastian's energy more than the tigers'. Sadly, we don't have any pictures of this boy, but you can see videos of the animals on their YouTube channel.

Sebastian and Livia

As always, these trips are too short, and we may never see Myrtle Beach again, but we tried to squeeze the best experience with the time we had, and I think we were successful.

Moments That Matter Most

I can still see the peace that had been washed over his face. His pink eyelids were delicately closed as he breathed short, deep breaths in my arms. It was close to two o'clock in the morning. I lay there and stared at his body, so small and secure, cradled in the crook of my arm, in the dim light of the moon coming through my window. As I stroked his fluffy hair, I thought, I want to remember this moment for the rest of my life.

I often find myself wanting to remember important events, out-of-the-ordinary happenings that make my life seem more remarkable in some way or another, like hiking to the top of a glacier in the Swiss Alps or posing next to a crocodile in Cozumel. There's nothing wrong with that: These events are often very happy memories. Sometimes we get lucky with a camera, immortalizing moments that mean something to us, moments that make our lives unique.

But then there are moments that Instagram will never be worthy of. Maybe these moments can be photographed, but these moments I simply just want to enjoy. These moments are short. And sometimes we get lucky and realize what they are before these moments are gone.

These are just some of my moments:

when Livia goes completely limp as she eats.
when Sebastian clasps his hands and squeezes his eye to pray.
when I realized the crease in Sebastian's forearm was beginning to disappear.
when Livia gets all shifty-eyed as I stroke her eyebrows right before she falls asleep.
when they pout their lips and arch their back right after they wake up.
when Sebastian calls my name as I pick him up from nursery.
when they yawn and stretch their fists to the top of their heads.
when Sebastian points at the hummingbirds or the butterflies with excitement.
when Livia's eyes light up as she looks at the window.
when their gums look so deliciously gummy as they smile.
when Sebastian scrunches his nose and curls his lip, showing his small teeth, when he smells flowers.
when I wake up and realize Livia slept all night.
when Sebastian kicks his sandals forward as he runs. His legs are perfect.
when their chests rise and fall as they sleep.
when Livia smiles as Sebastian gives her cars or blankets or diapers or bread.
when Sebastian fell asleep with his hands folded on his chest like an old man.
when Livia sleeps so hard her face gets squishy.
when I decide not to yell at Sebastian.
when I decide to stare at Livia instead of stare at a screen.

President Dieter F. Uchtdorf instructed us that "we would do well to slow down a little, . . . focus on the significant, lift up our eyes, and truly see the things that matter most." I try each day to slow down and focus. And when I do, I feel a drop of heaven fall onto my heart each time.

The Perfect Day

I wake up to the sound of clanging in the kitchen. The smell of fresh pancakes is in the air. I look over. Curtis is gone. I hear Sebastian chatting away in the other room. He's already been up for thirty minutes. I climb out of bed and bring my perfect Livia into the living room. The table is set. Pancakes are hot. Fresh strawberries are cut.

After breakfast, we drive to the perfect neighborhood park and splash pad. We warm up on the racecar-themed play equipment, which happens to be Sebastian's new favorite anything. When we hear the water come on, we race over to the splash pad. I sit in the warm sun with Livia in my arms as I watch Sebastian run around. He slips and falls, but runs directly to me, his lifeline, for two seconds of love before dancing back to the fountains.

When we arrive back home, Sebastian is sound asleep in the back seat. Perfect. He has been wanting to skip his naps lately. I carefully unbuckle him and carry him up to his bed. He stays asleep. Curtis changes Livia and makes us lunch, the second meal I haven't had to prepare today. We sit back and relax. We chat and enjoy our precious quiet time until Sebastian climbs out of his bed on his own.

Sebastian, Livia, and I play on the porch under the beautiful stone archway. Curtis locks us out until he finishes doing the dishes and mopping the floor. Perfect husband. We make the spontaneous decision to spend the night on the town, strolling through the streets of downtown Charlotte.

Sebastian falls asleep early and I prepare a perfect meal of creamy peanut coconut noodles. We can't remember the last time we had dinner alone together. We curl up on the couch watching the perfect combination of action and espionage. We fall asleep in our comfortable bed, reminiscing on the day's activities.

This is my vision of the perfect day. And today it happened.

Thank You, Mammaw!

When I was in my rough teenage years, I remember Mammaw used to tell me that if I ever wanted to run away, I was always welcome at her house. During some hard times, I remember lying awake some nights trying to figure out how to get there. She has always been a safe haven for her grandkids, always made herself available to those who needed her love. 

When I moved up to Utah, I lived with Mammaw and Pappaw Dean for two weeks until school started. Her house was always perfectly decorated, neat, and tidy. "A place for everything and everything in its place," she'd always remind me. She would always hum when she was cleaning. I always noticed it while she was wiping the counter off after dinner. We'd play Phase 10 like it was our only job. "When we're at the card table, you are no longer my grandson," she'd tell my cousin Jason—just as she threw down a Skip card.

She always makes me feel like I'm the favorite grandchild. She made me a quilt after I graduated from high school. She took me to White Elegance to pick out my temple dress, and then bought it just for me. She just about died when she found out we were pregnant for the first time. "He's our baby," she'd sing when Sebastian would come over. She sewed him who-knows-how-many baby blankets. We still use them. She always makes Curtis feel like he's been a member of our family his whole life. She handed him some money when he was searching desperately for a job, "You don't even have to tell Jessie I gave that to you." 

But she makes all her grandkids feel that way. She hangs Garrett's poinsettia on her door every Christmas. She helped Trent purchase a high-end sewing machine to help him start his business. She talks about her adventures with Gordon before he left for his mission as if nothing else were worth remembering. It's not just our family. I know she does the same sorts of things to my other cousins—and their spouses.

When Mammaw found out we were pregnant again (due within two weeks of our impending move across the country), she worried over who would come help us with Sebastian and the new baby. Since we left Utah, we've been missing Mammaw's open door and good southern cooking, and she's been missing our card-playing skills and healthy appetites. She decided to fly up to Portland to help us take care of the baby, occupy Sebastian, and prepare for the move.

Before the baby arrived, we had a good time letting Sebastian get used to her. He would share celery sticks and peanut butter with her. I never thought he would eat celery (maybe because his father and I never do)! After a few days, he knew how to get what he wanted out of her—including Oreo cookies. Mammaw helped me sew two dresses for Baby Girl. I downloaded a free pattern, and Mammaw helped me decipher the directions. I must say they turned out just darling! Our Trial  Dress (to practice before the Blessing Dress) features a black and white polka-dot skirt with a white bodice. The Blessing Dress is a simple, white long skirt and bodice with lace trim around the bottom and lace cap sleeves. 

Every day that Baby hadn't come seemed like a disappointment to both me and Mammaw. Mammaw arrived on Saturday, May 24, and Baby was due on Monday. Nothing Tuesday or Wednesday or—nope. Thursday was the magic day! 

After Livia arrived, I didn't have to lift any finger, wash any dish, or tape any box. Mammaw wanted to make sure to bake a chocolate pie for us to eat. "Remember how I used to offer you cookies or a slice of pie at my house, and you'd say, 'Mammaw, I shouldn't.' But I knew you needed it more than you didn't want it." She knew exactly what I needed that week, and that was to enjoy my sweet Baby Livia. I was afraid I wouldn't get to take care of her cuddle with her all day long. We had to pack up the rest of our apartment, label boxes, move those boxes to our storage unit, plus cook and clean as always—all with a rambunctious toddler wanting to play.

Thank you, Mammaw, for enriching my life. Not only for this week, but for all the weeks you've taken care of me and known exactly what I needed.